Monday, June 7, 2010

monday blahs

I'm mostly settled into my new apartment and it pleases me to finally be released from the depression and sadness that permeated every square foot of my former apartment; yet, I can't help but feel a strange sort of wistfulness for something. I think that after the past two months worth of stress and anxiety, to now actually be free of it, it's left me sort of befuddled. Like, I'm left here to throw my hands up in the air and ask, "Well, what now?"

The correct answer is to keep moving forward. I still need to find a full time/permanent job because this freelance gig will not last forever. I went on an interview today and it seems promising, though maybe not the most prestigious of companies. Recently, I interviewed for a position that was perfectly suited for me, and I really liked the company and the people, and despite their high praise, they went with another candidate. As it turns out, that person never showed up and my recruiter is now pushing me for me to start there, though it would require me to immediately drop my current company. Not very professional! I declined and asked if I could have a week, but I fear this request will be looked upon badly. You know what? I would far rather do right by the people who've been paying me for the past three months instead of quickly jumping ship for another opportunity. I may be a slut but I'm not stupid. I won't burn bridges for a dollar.

Sometimes I think my inability to be utterly selfish leaves me fucked.

I can't help but think about the guy I wrote about in the previous entry and how perfect he seemingly is. A friend observed that he looks like Bradley Cooper and it kills me to know that someone so handsome, charming and intelligent cannot fulfill my dirty desires and needs. Am I doomed to dating paunchy older men who enjoy dominating and defiling young flesh? Is this what I've resigned myself to?

A woman wrote me today and her email was wonderful and enlightening. She detailed her own experiences as a submissive and a slut and it gave me hope to realize I'm not alone in my search. Most of my messages are from men, and when a woman writes me, it's a treat, especially if she has insight and knowledge.

Hmmm, a lover just wrote me to say, "I was thinking about the last time we were together and I was slapping you."

I have yet to christen the new apartment.