By request, I am going to provide an occasional feature detailing, yes, you guessed it, how to be an awesome slut.
First and foremost - you need to sit down and assess why you are doing this. Is it because you like sex? Well, skip to the front of the line. If it is because you are bored, you may have back cuts, but dare I suggest other hobbies, like gardening or macrame? If it is because you are looking for love, or seeking affirmation of your appeal or attractiveness, do not, I repeat, do not proceed, do not pass go. This indulgent behavior will not make you feel better about yourself. It takes a strong and healthy ego to understand that your partners will most likely not call you again. They will not shower you with flowers. You'll be lucky if you ever see them afterward, and if you do, it may be an awkward passing on the street. You are not doing this to reaffirm that you are a beautiful, strong, intelligent and lovely woman. You should know this about yourself already. I cannot stress this enough.
Secondly, please be safe. That should go without saying. Just because someone says, "I don't have herpes" doesn't mean he doesn't have herpes ever. He might just not have an outbreak right now. See? Do you really want to wake up in a week with your urethra crusted with blood and your vagina seeping cottage cheese and pus? Rhetorical question. Look, just because most sexually transmitted diseases can be cured or at least kept at bay is no reason to throw yourself in front of an unprotected penis. And if you, awesome-slut-in-training, should have any communicable diseases, you should be upfront and honest with your partner before engaging in any body fluid exchange. Play fair. Play clean.
Continuing with the safety theme, we need to discuss how to screen out creeps and serial killers. Most of my partners I meet off of social networking sites, including the oft-maligned craigslist.org. With the recent spate of murders of sex workers and other NSA seekers, you must exercise judicious caution if you are going to meet with someone.
I admit I am part of the grammar police and automatically delete any emails where the writer cannot discern the difference between "your" and "you're" or if everything is typed in all-caps. Does this make me a snob? Yes, but at least it ensures I won't be fucking someone who is a moron.
I always request a photograph in the ads I place because if someone is not willing to send you a photograph of his face, most likely he is hiding something. Always request more than one photo. It cuts down on the possibility that the "hot blond" image you're drooling over wasn't just culled from some creepy jerk who trolls Myspace or Facebook for comely male images.
When writing your ad, be sure to list out what you want. It may seem easy to just say "I want to get fucked" but your inbox is going to be jammed full of dick. I guarantee this, and most of it will be replies like "I WANA FUK U." Not sexy. Not awesome. The more exacting you are in your request and description, the more likely you will screen out the hard-up hard-ons who are just looking for any wet hole they can plug for free.
If you specifically request "Do not send nude photos" and a guy sends one anyway, delete. He is not reading your ad. Ditto if he is copying and pasting something that seems like he is just sending out cover letters to ten thousand agents hoping to get a pussy nibble. You can figure out who these copy & paste cruisers are because they usually don't respond in particular to the nuances of your ad. You know what a form letter looks like. That's what these are. You deserve more than just that.
Following this screening procedure, you will probably have a few possible interesting leads, assuming that you find their visages and words appealing. From here, it is crucial that you engage in at least three rounds of emails - even if they're just short missives, you need to establish a rapport and learn more about each other. Establish your boundaries and parameters during this volley. Talk about what you are willing to do, and what you don't want to do. Also, ask personal questions, whatever seems relevant and crucial based on the conversation. If he writes, "I've never done this before," he's lying. But that's OK.
If any of these men are able to pass your filters after this, you may choose to engage in some instant messaging. Again, this doesn't have to go on for weeks or days. A day or two is fine. Even less if you are so moved by his words. Now we move on to the meet and greet! Exchange phone numbers, names and determine a convenient location.
PICK A PUBLIC PLACE.
GIVE THIS NUMBER & NAME TO A FRIEND YOU TRUST.
Let your date know that you will be sharing his information with someone and that if you do not contact your pal by (insert established date/time here), your friend will call the police. If your date is not a total axe wielding maniac, he will be fine with this and not balk. If he does, it is up to you if you want to proceed further, but why would he have qualms about you and your friend ensuring your safety? Think about that.
During your public meeting, it is absolutely essential that you study your date to ensure he is not a social leper and cannot interact. Is he well groomed? Can he look you in the eye? Can he hold a conversation? Yes? OK, those are good signs. Granted, there were plenty of charming and clean-shaven serial killers but trust your gut instinct. I have left dates before because I just felt uneasy, and maybe it was just something as ridiculous as I didn't like their cologne or they were rude to the server, your own instinct is important. And it's better to think, "Oh well, who knows" than to never be able to think again.
Are all lights green? If so, depart to your predetermined rendezvous (if you're not comfortable taking him back to your place, and you don't want to go to his place, rent a motel room! It adds to the sexy seediness of the experience) and proceed to fuck your brains out. Afterward, smoke the obligatory post-coital cigarette and don't stay too long. Nobody likes the guest who overstays her welcome at a party. As rockstars all know, "Always leave them wanting more." And this is exactly what you want to do, even if you will never give an encore performance.
